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New Study Finds That Cats Cause Cancer


A new study by the World Health Organization confirms long-suspected beliefs that cats are the cause of all forms of cancer. Dr. Fontaine Pomroy, leader of the team investigating the theory, announced their results at a press conference on Monday:

"We won't be able to release a full report on the study until later this year, there is simply too much data. However, we can confirm the central hypothesis- all cancer is indeed caused by cats. We're still not sure how, but the data on this is irrefutable."

Feline enthusiasts were stunned. The American Cat Lovers Society stated in their press release, "We apologize to anyone we endangered by encouraging them to adopt cats. We feel terrible for all of the deaths we've caused."

Some states have already taken action and banned their citizens from owning cats. A resolution was introduced in the U.S. Senate by Senators Earl Glimmerpants (R-CA) and Leeroy Jenkins (D-NC) urging all Americans to kick cats on sight. President Obama has also indicated his support. When commenting on the resolution, he expressed relief that he got a dog for the White House, and not some "deadly, blood-sucking, feline monster."

ONN will continue to monitor the situation